JoeyJoelle

One of the biggest lessons I have been learning lately is that people do not always show love the way we expect them to. If you’re not aware of this, it’ll sound like a recipe for disappointment.

Me? I’m a word of affirmation, receiving gifts and quality time kinda girlie (yes, all three of ’em). So, if I need reassurance and someone gives me practical help instead, it can feel like they are completely missing the point. If I need quality time and someone sends me gifts (as much as it is also one of my love languages), it can feel as though they are trying to buy their way out of being present.

That was until I understood that I might be overlooking the way they are expressing their love.

Now before somebody jumps in with, “Well, if they wanted to, they would,” let’s be real for a second. There are absolutely situations where people are not showing up, not putting in effort, and not treating us the way we deserve. This post is not about accepting crumbs and convincing yourself that neglect is love.

This is about something different.

This is about recognizing that people often show love through their own love language, not ours. It is about understanding that the person standing in front of us may genuinely care, but they are speaking a different language than the one we are listening for.

Once I started paying attention to that, I realized something wild. There was a lot more love around me than I initially thought.

So how about we shed some lights on the way people our community is showing up for us and that we might be overlooking.

Words of Affirmation

People whose love language is words of affirmation often express their love through encouragement, compliments, support, and verbal reassurance. These are the people who will text you before a big presentation to wish you luck, remind you that you are capable when you are doubting yourself, or tell you how proud they are of you after you accomplish something.

The thing is, we often expect words of affirmation to sound grand and romantic. In reality, they can be as simple as someone saying, “Drive safe,” “I know you’ve got this,” or “I was thinking about you today.”

How to show up for your people whose love language is words of affirmation:

Tell your friend that she looked beautiful at brunch. Tell your brother that you admire how hard he works. Tell your partner how much you appreciate the little things they do. So many of us think positive things about the people we love, but never actually say them out loud.

If you’re already thinking it, just say it.

Acts of Service

Acts of service is one of those love languages that often gets overlooked because it does not always feel romantic nor is it always as grand as social media portrays it to be. Yet some of the deepest forms of love live here.

Acts of service is the friend who helps you move without asking. It is the partner who cleans up your fridge, because you didn’t get to it. It is the family member who brings you food when you are sick because they know you probably too tired to cook.

These people might not be talking about love. They are demonstrating it.

Their version of “I care about you” sounds a lot like “I handled that for you.”

How to show up for your people whose love language is acts of service:

• Offer to help with a task without being asked.
• Take something off their plate during a stressful season.
• Run an errand for them when you are already out.
• Help them solve a practical problem they are facing.
• Pay attention to the little things that would make their day easier.

Pay attention to the small burdens people carry. Can you pick something up from the store? Can you help someone with a task they have been putting off? Can you take one thing off their plate when life is already life-ing?

Sometimes love looks like making somebody’s day a little easier.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts gets a bad reputation because people often assume it is materialistic. In reality, this love language has very little to do with money and everything to do with thoughtfulness.

The person whose love language is gifts is not usually keeping score of price tags. They are paying attention to the meaning behind the gesture.

It is the friend who sees your favorite chocolate while grocery shopping and buys it because it reminded them of you. It is the partner who comes home with your favorite drink after a long day. It is the coworker who remembers that you love candles and surprises you with one for your birthday.

As I mentioned before, receiving gifts is my love language. And even though, I love a fancy ass perfume, you would make my heart soar with a pen you picked for me. Because to me it means you know how much I love writing with pen and you thought of me.

How to show up for your people whose love language is receiving gifts:

• Pick up their favorite snack or drink just because.
• Give thoughtful gifts that reflect their interests.
• Bring back a small souvenir when you travel.
• Surprise them with something that lets them know you were thinking about them.

I still have a random found shell that I’ve kept, as well as a deflated heart shaped balloon that I once received (when it was still in its inflated state, of course).

The gift itself is rarely the point.

The point is that somebody thought about you when you were not in the room.

Quality Time

In a world where everybody is glued to a screen, quality time is becoming more valuable than ever.

People whose love language is quality time do not necessarily need extravagant vacations or expensive dinners. What they need is your presence. Real presence. Not half-listening while scrolling TikTok. Not replying to emails during dinner. Not saying “I’m listening” while your attention is clearly somewhere else.

For them, love sounds like, “I am here with you.”

Quality time can look like going for a walk together, sharing a meal, watching a movie, grabbing coffee, taking a road trip, or simply sitting together and talking about life. Or sitting in silence together.

If you want to show up through this love language, give people your undivided attention whenever possible. Put the phone down. Make eye contact. Ask questions. Do mundane things together.

How to show up for your people whose love language is quality time:

• Schedule a weekly coffee date, walk, or lunch together with no other commitments competing for your attention.
• Put your phone on silent and out of sight so you can focus completely on the conversation.
• Invite them to join you for everyday activities like grocery shopping, running errands, cooking dinner, or taking the dog for a walk.
• Ask open-ended questions about their goals, challenges, favorite memories, or what has been on their mind lately.
• Plan shared experiences such as trying a new restaurant, taking a day trip, attending a local event, or starting a hobby together to create lasting memories.

Because sometimes the greatest gift you can give somebody is your time, especially since we assume we have plenty left.

Physical Touch

Physical touch is probably the most misunderstood love language because people immediately associate it with romance or sex. While it certainly exists within romantic relationships, it goes far beyond that.

Physical touch can be a hug from a friend when you are having a terrible day. It can be holding somebody’s hand while they are nervous. It can be sitting close to someone you love on the couch. It can be a reassuring hand on the shoulder that says, “I got you,” without saying a single word.

For people whose love language is physical touch, connection often feels most real when it is physically expressed.

How to show up for your people whose love language is physical touch:

• Offer hugs when appropriate and welcome.
• Sit close to them during conversations or gatherings.
• Hold their hand when they need comfort or reassurance.
• Give a reassuring pat on the shoulder or back.
• Use physical affection to communicate care and support.

If this is not your natural love language, do not panic. As someone who’s not fond of physical touch, I can reassure you that it doesn’t require becoming the world’s biggest hugger overnight.

Instead, pay attention to the comfort level of the people around you and offer physical affection in ways that feel appropriate and welcome to you both.

Learning to See Love Differently

I think one of the reasons we feel unloved sometimes is because we become so focused on the way we would give love that we miss the ways others are already giving it.

I also think social media has distorted our vision of what love is supposed to look like. We are constantly shown highlight reels of grand gestures, surprise vacations, elaborate date nights, expensive gifts, and perfectly crafted captions declaring devotion for the world to see. After a while, it becomes easy to believe that if love is not visible, dramatic, or publicly displayed, then it must not be real.

But real love rarely lives in a highlight reel. Most love happens in ordinary moments that would never go viral.

The friend who checks on you once a month but drops everything when you need them.

The partner who never writes long paragraphs but always makes sure you get home safely.

The family member who rarely says “I love you” but shows up every single time you call.

The coworker who remembers how you take your coffee.

The neighbor who waters your plants while you are away.

Love is not always loud. Love is not always obvious. Love is not always packaged the way we expected it to be. And it is certainly not always Instagram-worthy.

But if we slow down and pay attention, we might realize that we have been loved all along. Maybe not perfectly. Maybe not exactly the way we wanted. But loved nonetheless.

And perhaps one of the most beautiful things we can do for ourselves and the people around us is to learn how to recognize it.