JoeyJoelle

A few days ago, the Netherlands were engulfed in activities in celebration of King’s Day. Although, I have to say that I personally think nobody gives two shits about the King and simply uses it as an opportunity to party. Which…I absolutely understand. Because…Whew…Life is lifing.

However, as King’s Day and King’s night was approaching, as was the continuous questions about plans for the days. And with that came the social anxiety. The thought of constantly being in a crowd, and most likely a drunk one at that…(If you’ve never experienced a drunk Dutch crowd…You wouldn’t have an idea of how bad it can be).

Anyway, for years I’ve been avoiding this day by staying inside. But a part of me kept saying “No, you should go outside. Try to enjoy the day! Try to navigate through the drunken crowd in your own way.”

Well…I did…I ignored my own voice of staying inside, and let it be overruled by the external voice of FOMO. Which resulted with me shocking a bartender with my order, who then shocked me with the price for that drink and, being an unpaid therapist.

Nah, I was doneeee. But I did ended up admitting to myself that the only reason I did it, as embarrassing I find it to admit, was for external validation. So I can prove to others that I can be outside.

I was absolutely over myself. Because like my best friend said to me: you already know you can be outside.

So…Where did this need for external validation come from?

Right now…I don’t have the answer as yet. For now, I’m trying to stay mindful, instead of punishing myself for this. As a matter of fact, I’m kinda proud of myself for doing it anyway. Otherwise I might not have been made aware of this underlying issue that I’m still dealing with. Now I can actually work on it for myself 🙂